When great things happen…. to other people


I am awash in this sea of emotion this morning.  As is my style, I’m going to process it through words.  I found out yesterday that someone in the same line of work as I got a wonderful opportunity and is moving toward negotiating a television show.  This is someone in my circle of friends who does good work, has a good heart, and has steadily improved her business since I have known her.  She has achieved goals in her business that I have not yet achieved.  And I have fought long and hard not to compare my success with hers.  This is a fight I lost yesterday.

My emotional response to this news was not exactly stellar.  Now, I really want to wish this person the very best- she has her path and I have mine (and I have not been a fan of my own path lately).  I want to hope that good things come to her, because I want to TRULY believe that there is enough goodness, success, business, etc for ALL of us.  I want to be excited for her.

But there is a part of me- a wounded gremlin of an inner child- that reacted a very different way.  That gremlin has been driving my bus for about 24 hours, and I’m getting tired of the ride.  I’m pretty sure this wounded gremlinchild is the inner child of Fred the Mosher.  You remember Fred, right?  Fred is the rageaholic who smashes everything in his path.  I did some major work with Fred awhile back, and it appears that I paved the way for discovering this soft center of Fred.   This child and all it represents is the root of my rage.

When I heard this wonderful news for this person in my circle of acquaintances, the jury spoke up.  “YOU don’t have a TV show.  You’re never gonna have a TV show.”  (It is ludicrously irrelevant to me in this sea of emotion that I don’t think I even WANT a TV show…I take this inner chatter to heart as I have for many years)  “YOU are busting your ass and have nothing to show for it.  YOU are still scraping along, trying to cover your basic expenses.  Scrambling like a cockroach trying to make a living, scared all the time that something will come along to upset the delicate balance of your existence.”  Senior Fuckholio has resurfaced.  And he has absolutely perfected that self-fulfilling prophecy thing.  Those somethings that I fear have been showing up in my life.  Every time I think I am finally pulling out of a black hole, some weird disaster happens, and the extra cash I accumulated goes POOF!  Many of the things I need to advance my business are financially related right now (luxurious things like rent, food, utilities- not to mention fees for entry into professional events).  After Senior F got ahold of me, we were off to the races.  I was hanging out with Renfield the Saboteur and Chet the competitive asshole.  For the past 24 hours, I have been comparing my path to someone else’s.  Nothing good ever comes of this.

Senior F, Renfield and Chet completed the formation of the holy trinity of bullshit and have robbed me of my spirit and joy.  Renfield chimed in with “What’s the use?  You have been beating your head against the wall and nothing like this will EVER happen to you.  It is hopeless.  Why do you waste your time?  This has all been for nothing.  You have nothing to show for the last two years of effort.  You can’t even figure out who your target market is for your business.  Give up already- this is painful to watch and you’re embarrassing yourself.”   Once Renfield and Senior F get going, the gremlinchild that I have never noticed before, that I have ignored and feared- the child that has flown under my internal radar, much like I learned to do in my family of origin- pulls up in a tight, black little ball, eyes screwed shut and wailing, the literal picture of unrelenting agony and shame.  Devoid of all hope.  Unable to allow itself to even dream that anything will ever turn out okay.  This child’s existence IS pain.  It doesn’t even have a name.  It has no real identity of its own.  It’s barely breathing, and with each exhale, there is a horrible groan of pain.    There is so much sadness around this new player.  The stronger parts of me, when forced to look at it, are disgusted by its aching need.  It wails, oblivious to who hears.  It demands to be heard.  It demands to be acknowledged as it goes about the business of utterly giving up.  Of dying.  This is a child that KNOWS that there will never be enough anything- love, money, friends, even air.  This child believes it deserves nothing; that it comes utterly last in line for every resource needed to stay alive.  This child has been beaten, bulled, and above all, forgotten.  How DARE it make noise and call attention to itself, even in its final moments of life.  How DARE it exist at all?

Even this show of pain and surrender is not enough to get the holy trinity of bullshit to let up.  Chet actively speaks up, going in for the kill.  “Who are you kidding?  Things will NEVER get better for you.  You are still indentured to someone else in a job that robs you of your energy and sucks your soul dry.  You exhaust yourself for someone else’s business and have nothing left at the end of the day for your own survival.  You are doing it all WRONG and you LOSE.  Are you too stupid to get it? Nothing good will ever happen to you.  You will never be successful.  Never.  You have no discipline to do the things you know you need to in order to change.  You’re a waste of space.  What the fuck is WRONG with you?  You disgust me.  You’re a fucking loser, and you’re always going to be a fucking loser.  Why don’t you just lay down and die?”

Aren’t these guys awesome?  Goddamned bullies.  Talk about kick you when you’re down.

“ENOUGH!!!!!!!”

This is another new voice.  Holy shit, it scares the hell out of me and surprises the holy trinity into silence.    I’m not even sure where this voice comes from yet- another undiscovered part of me.  The strength and authority of it rings through my ears.   This new voice is pure life force energy.  I don’t know its form or its name.  I can FEEL it.  I can FEEL its power.  I have no relationship with this new player either.  This has been a very interesting couple of days.  This life force energy surrounds that weeping, wounded gremlinchild, insulating it from the venom of the holy trinity of bullshit.  The energy cradles that child, providing the only comforting sensation the child has ever really known.  It will take some time to develop a relationship with these new players.  To allow that life force energy to heal that child.  To save its life.  To give it a name.  To return its hope and its ability to dream.  To change its beliefs.

I firmly believe that the gremlinchild is the powerful source of many of my limiting beliefs about success and money.  I believe this entire uncomfortable experience happened to show me both of these new facets of myself.  To pull the curtain back and get me to look at this dying child.  To step up to save it.  Yet another layer of shadow work, deeper and more crucial than what I have done before.

Out of the most horrendously uncomfortable emotional experiences can come these glimmers of light.  Opportunities to grow and to move forward.  Opportunities to learn to comfort and nurture myself so I can become the person I am meant to be.  I’m both grateful and apprehensive that this recent emotional roller coaster of jealousy and resentment that unearthed this new layer of possibilities.

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~ by dancingwiththeshadow on March 27, 2013.

2 Responses to “When great things happen…. to other people”

  1. Damn girl. You don’t do anything the easy way. You deserve good things and they WILL come to you.

  2. Absolutely amazing! Please keep writing, you speak to my soul.

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