Out of the ashes…again!

I cannot believe I haven’t dusted off the blog in over a year.  What a year it’s been- tons of growth in leaps and bounds, several wrestling matches with my inner demons.  Many, many steps closer to that spontaneous, strong connection with Source that I crave.  There is absolutely no way I can recap and update the past year in the sort of orderly fashion my inner perfectionist insists it must be done.  Hence the inertia.  Also, most of the past year has been lived at warp speed, a pace that my sister is much better at handling than I.  So, I will simply do the only thing I know how to do- start where I’m at.  I am sure the anecdotes will come as I write- they always do.  I am first and foremost a storyteller, and I’ve decided to plunge in and commit to blog every day for the month of November.

The lazy beast part of me (yes, Renfield has not gone anywhere, dammit) that is frankly kind of exhausted after surviving the whirlwind I have lived in for the past several months has something to say about this.  “Are you fucking crazy?  Look at your to do list.  There are not enough HOURS IN THE DAY!!!”  And my response is simple.  If it’s a priority, I will find the time.  For me, it all boils down to commitment.  If I am truly committed to an action, I will make the time for it.  If I’m not, I will find some other television series on Netflix to waste hours on.  Renfield’s words are not to be ignored.  The way I have been living is in short bursts of manic, overwhelmed activity and then weepy collapse into my favorite recliner with the remote and some chocolate.  I have no harmony in my life as I forge out into the unknown of developing a metaphysical business and try to live my life.  I still swing wildly between extremes as I navigate the discovery of the next right thing for me.  I still get overwhelmed and overcome with inertia when the vulnerable inner kids get tired of the slavedriver.  Those kids always win.  Always.  I am an intensely emotional creature.  When stressed, I will react emotionally 1000% of the time.

I used to think the key to life was living in balance. I do know what balance looks like- I catch a glimpse each time I swing by with my hair on fire going from one extreme to another.  Unfortunately, for me balance is entangled with my need to control.  I attack the need for balance in a structured assault by planning everything out so I can make sure I fit it all in.  I have a kind of endless mental checklist that follows me around all day, and I normally go from zero to ninety with the implementation of structure. I get up and brush my teeth (check), do my scheduled meditation (check off AM spiritual activity) before doing yoga or walking (if my exercise box doesn’t get checked off before I am fully awake, it normally doesn’t happen) showering (hygiene check) and eating a balanced breakfast (food check) and then heading out the door for work no later than 8:33 with my perfectly nutritious prepared lunch in hand (check check check).  I breeze through traffic with a song in my heart and strive to love each and every person I come into contact with.  I arrive at my part time job and diligently attempt to stay calm amidst the maelstrom of absolute insanity I’ve chosen to spend several hours a day in.

By noon (sometimes earlier), I’m fucked.  The list mocks me with its stupid, empty, unfulfilled spaces where the check marks belong.  Balance, that tenuous and elusive gossamer thread, has left the building.  I normally get angry at this point, which is what I do when my need to control gets bitch-slapped.  To stave off the anger, I indulge in a little sugary coffee conglomeration or the secret stash of chocolate, if I am lucky enough to find there’s still some left from the day before.  I throw in the towel and indulge those needy inner children, those aspects of my personality that I try to exorcise through the use of structure.  I end up watching TV, taking a nap, and/or eating unhealthy food instead of doing a little work on my website or my newsletter or my new radio show.  I have TONS of exciting stuff happening in my life, and the part of me that doesn’t feel safe with all this change is fighting tooth and nail to throw roadblocks in my way

I’m not sure when I will truly decide that the implementation of more structure does not work for me.

Over twenty years ago, I began a spiritual journey to live a more fulfilled and authentic life.  I have grown in huge leaps and bounds, and I still tend to focus on what’s left to be done.  I push myself pretty hard, and I have NEVER responded well to being told what to do by anyone- including myself.  The war in my head goes on.  I once told my first excellent therapist that I just wasn’t going to do that inner child work because I thought it was a bunch of crap.  As a result, I have not yet magically healed those wounded pieces of my psyche that sabotage me after 20 years of trying to bash their brains out against the wall. I guess it’s time to make some changes and try something new.  To learn to truly nurture the parts of myself that feel endlessly needy and terrifying.

As I regroup with my commitment to writing, I hope to re-ignite the spark of hope that change can come through joy and ease and compassion for myself.  I hope that I will release my death grip on the idea that structured balance is the way and the light.    I hope that I can learn through gentle progress to suspend the perfectionism and allow the healing to happen.  To strive for harmony in my life instead of balance.  To make choices about my behavior our of self love and respect instead of self loathing and judgment.  So, I’m hitting the rest button and starting over yet again.


~ by dancingwiththeshadow on November 1, 2012.

One Response to “Out of the ashes…again!”

  1. Kay, I had no idea you were such a gifted writer. What a joy to read this and I can’t wait to read more.

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