On being authentic

This blog is an excellent way for me to share who I truly am during my quest to discover, uncover and own all those bits of me that have been flying all over the place for years.    I express myself more clearly in the written word.  I’m no longer willing to cover up who I am, how I feel, and/or what I want in order to make other people happy.   I don’t want to hide anymore; I’m DONE making myself small and denying my unique gifts to make other people comfortable. 

So, who am I?  I am a multi-faceted and fascinating woman.  I’m independent, hilarious, strong-willed; a survivor.  Resourceful, practical, and smart.  I’m also day-dreamy, goofy, angry, fearful, and sad.  I’m a big, gushy ball of emotion.  I have some regrets about the way I have chosen to live my life up until now.  I wish I had been kinder to myself sooner.  I wish I would have found today’s resources for personal growth ten years sooner.  But what I’ve realized is that the teacher truly does appear when the student is ready.  Everything in its own time.   I hate that.  I REALLY want a copy of my life blueprint.  I’m impatient and demanding; I want to know WHEN I will be living my life’s purpose.  I am so frustrated with the process- I HATE process.  I want a timeline.  I want answers.  Sorry, Charlie- that’s not the way it works.  I get a little pissed off about that sometimes.

I’ve been intuitively gifted since I was very young.  When I was little, I didn’t have a filter between my brain and my mouth.  I was constantly saying things that got me into trouble.  I remember our family used to give an elderly woman a ride to church when I was 3 or 4.  The church lady didn’t have the best hygiene, and she would cover up (or attempt to cover up) her funkiness with perfumes.   She had to wedge herself in the back seat with three kids, so it was pretty tight quarters.  I clearly remember one occasion when she got in the car and I loudly asked my mother “What stinks?”  This did not go over well.  With anyone.  And I was ALWAYS doing stuff like that.  All I was doing was telling the truth.  It became NOT OKAY to tell the truth if the truth was unpleasant or embarrassing.  No wonder I never “came out” as a victim of sexual assault to anyone in my family until I was an adult.  Yup, learned that lesson well.  I remember motoring around the cocktail parties my parents had when I was little and picking up stray bits of information from the party attendees.  Some of these bits weren’t very nice.  I intuitively knew who was about to lose a job, who emotionally abused their wife, and who was having an affair.  Way too much information for a little kid to process.  I didn’t understand what I picked up on, so I would ask inappropriate questions of party guests.  “Who’s the yellow-haired lady you bought the scarf for?  It wasn’t her”  (pointing to the wife).   “What are you gonna do when they fire you?  Are you gonna be able to play?”  “She doesn’t like it when you yell at her.  It makes her sad and scared.”   “You better not get really drunk again or your wife will be mad”  These little outbursts were greeted with an “I don’t know what you’re talking about, kid.  Stop making up stories.”  I knew that I was supposed to tell the truth as a kid, but it UPSET everyone when I did it.  So I stopped.  I spent more and more time conversing with the cat and some random spirits that hung out in the basement.  At least THEY didn’t call me a crazy liar. 

I’ve always been able to communicate with animals and dead people.  But when I realized these things freaked people out, I stopped.  I stopped talking about it, and then I stopped doing it.  I tried my hardest to be “normal” for 40 years.  I got a good education.  I tried to have a normal relationship with a stable guy, but things never quite worked out.  I tried buying a house.  Twice.   I tried my hardest to hold a good job, but I got bored so easily.  None of the things that were supposed to make me truly happy actually did so.  It really, really sucked.  None of the magic formulas given to me by well meaning friends and family members worked.  I decided a few years ago that if I was going to try to be happy, I was going to have to take some risks and just be who I am. 

I’m also a shamanic practitioner.  I work with the elements to heal animals and people.  I can do curse extractions, work with people’s past lives, and heal by being a vessel for energy from earth and spirit. I know I can do these things because I have seen the results.  People and animals have been helped.  It’s not a hoax or mental illness.  This is not my first rodeo, and I’ve lived lifetimes in many different eras learning very different lessons.  I’ve learned a lot, but I’m not quite done yet.    I feel these things in my heart and soul.  I am connected to a life force that is amazing and wonderful and bountiful.  This time around, I’m here to live my soul purpose. 

Scary proposition.  A lot of people still think I’m nuts.  But I’m okay with that, because I’m now strong enough to own my truth.  I still haven’t “come out” all the way with all of my family.  In the very near future, I will be taking several little leaps of faith that will make no sense to most other “normal” people.  I’ll be quitting the secure government job to start an animal communication business full force this year.  I can help people find the perfect pet for their household.  I can help animals tell owners why they act the way they do.  I can help owners understand where behavior comes from. 

I’m also going to spend more time marketing my art and painting.  Teaching kids to channel emotion and express it on canvas with paint.  Oh, and write like a motherfucker.  BE WHO I AM for the first time in my life.   Once I leave my current job, I will probably never work for someone else again.  To do so defeats my purpose and kills my soul.  Part of my life purpose is to take this journey and share it with other people.  I’ll do this through my work and through the written word.  I have no idea how it will really look in the end, but it will be the authentic ME.  I will no longer settle for being anything less than fully present in my own life.  Authentic.  Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?


~ by dancingwiththeshadow on April 29, 2011.

One Response to “On being authentic”

  1. sounds great! 🙂

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