What’s this all about?

I am ridiculously lucky to be surrounded by like-minded souls, all of us intent on evolving as much as absolutely possible during this lifetime.  I’ve worked diligently to deal with several obstacles during the course of my life.  Alcoholism and drug abuse, obesity, sexual abuse, abusive relationships- yada yada yada, the list of challenges goes on and on.  I lead a fairly colorful life on a daily basis.  Ask anyone who knows me; weird shit happens to me all the time.  Stuff that just doesn’t happen to other people.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because my soul decided at the beginning of this life to resolve any and all leftover karmic issues.  Period.  This is my last ride on this merry go round, so there’s never a dull moment for me.  Seriously.  I spend a lot of my time holding onto my own ass, trying to enjoy the ride. 

 

After finally reaching a point in life where things were exponentially better than they’d ever been, I slammed face-first into a seemingly impenetrable brick wall comprised of the roots of my own self-sabotaging behaviors.  I’m a talented artist and animal lover;  a unique, creative and wonderful person.  So why am I so ridiculously hard on myself?  I’m my own worst enemy.  Why don’t I live up to my full potential?  Why do I start endless projects and not finish any of them?  Where does all this anger come from? Why do I give up before the miracles happen? Why do I constantly expect myself to be perfect?  In short, why can’t I be fearless and magical and wonderfully ME?  What’s in my way?  The simple answer is that I spend too much time in my own head, listening to my relentless, top-notch team of brilliant and maddening inner critics.  The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my adventures while I learn to dance with my shadow self. 

 

Most of my life, I’ve been more inclined to kick my shadow self in the face than learn to tango with it.  Trying to manage my dark side by bullying, bargaining or denying it hasn’t worked.  I’ve found no magic combination (and I’ve tried several approaches) to silence the inner battle.  Like the Light in me, this dark side has great power.  Attempts at suppression cause it to ooze out around the edges of whatever ineffective band aid I slap over it.  This results in less than stellar behavior on my part.  Trying to overpower the insistent voice in my head that tells me I’m not good, patient, strong, thin, resourceful, kind (please insert your own adjective here) enough is exhausting and ineffective.  Denying my shadow self only proves to make it stronger.  Frankly, I’m just really tired of fighting me.  Hence the willingness to draw back the curtain and take a peek at what’s there.  Shine the light on it and reveal what it is I’ve been so afraid of. 

 

I believe that my shadow self is guarding some of my soul’s treasures.  There is power and beauty there that can help me be a stronger, more well balanced person.  Everything that’s happened to me up to this point has forged me into who I am today.  My writing is honest, blunt, sometimes funny and/or profane.  I’ll be moving forward with both trepidation and anticipation.  I hope you’ll walk with me.

 

This first post ain’t pretty or poetic or perfect- but it is me.  And right here, right now the most important thing is to take the plunge and get myself out there.

~ by dancingwiththeshadow on March 17, 2011.